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Posts Tagged ‘crazy’

Self analyzing is exhausting! I gained weight again this week. I keep sabotaging my own weight loss efforts. Why do I do the things I do? Looking back through my weight loss journal, Diary of a Chocoholic, I found an entry that sums up my feelings some many weeks later. I’ve not made a lot of progress…

Mar. 12, 2009

I have been angry all day for gaining weight. I started off  not allowing myself to eat until I was really hungry. Good for me, I didn’t eat all day. Leaving for a Bible study at 6:30 pm, by the time I got to Mount Airy, I didn’t care anymore and was craving comfort food. I stopped at Wendy’s after pretty much starving myself all day. Would someone tell me that doesn’t work!  Then I became upset because I didn’t allow myself time to make a better choice of food before going to Bible study.

Arriving late, the group was ready to break for refreshments. To celebrate our final class, we had Haman’s Ears! The different flavored pastries were delicious. Out of four flavors, I had three…AND some pecans. So much for starving myself! Before I ate all that, there was a battle going on in my mind. I know this is going to sound crazy so brace yourself!

Being mad at myself, I told myself, I didn’t care what refreshments myself had. That hurt myself’s feelings and I told myself, if that was the way myself was going to treat myself, I didn’t care either. I just told myself to have whatever myself wanted and forget about what myself had just said to myself. I will work it all out myself!

I warned you…dieting makes you crazy or just reveals it…I’m not sure which.

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Do you ever wake up depressed? You can’t really put your finger on a good reason for it? Do you feel silly for feeling the way you do when you have so much to be thankful for? You just feel sad? You could break down and cry but you wouldn’t know what you were crying about.

Have you ever thought of calling a friend and just pouring out your heart to them? Of course you don’t, because after all, they do have problems of their own. Right?  Besides, what would you say the problem is when you don’t know yourself? Ever fear you will come across as crazy?

Do you feel a little lonely sometimes? Ever feel as though you just don’t belong anywhere? 

Everything and everyone looks differently through the lens of depression. Things are distorted to be bigger or smaller than they really are.

What causes this disconnected feeling? Could it be diet? Hormone patch is screaming to be changed?  mental disorder? medical problem? Too busy? Not busy enough? Or is it just me?

Depression is not our friend. If I wake up depressed again tomorrow…I am going to throw a fit!

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